I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Im part way to drunk.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Randomize
