please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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