I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
