My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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