the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
