I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
I want her autograph on my taint
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
Randomize
