I cannot find my penis.
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
