A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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