did you get engaged???
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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