I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
