i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize
