Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Randomize
