she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
