Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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