May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
