they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
