fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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