Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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