apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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