literally had 100 drinks last night.
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
