Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
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