do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
she told me i tasted like america
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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