If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
