I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
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