I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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