Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
