I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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