FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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