TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I skipped work to stalk him.
babies were throwing up all over the place
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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