RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
