I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
