there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!