It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize
