In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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