Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
