There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Randomize
