He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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