Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
We left an ass print on the piano.
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Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
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Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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