i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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