I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
