my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
