How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize
