Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
