it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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