i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Randomize
