Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
