Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
