I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Randomize
