I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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