I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
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