There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
