I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Randomize
