I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
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