Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
