the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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