You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Randomize
