i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Randomize
